


I could be lemons (I could be tigers)

by Anonymous



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Arranged Marriage, Cross-cultural, Dance is a universal language, Deliberate Badfic, He lives happily ever after with his parents, He moved to Mordor and opened up a bakery, I couldn't get Gandalf's characterization right so I just wrote him as Dumbledore instead, I wrote this in one sitting in write or die and didn't edit at all, M/M, Smaug didn't die either, Well now you know, but it always weirds me out in fics when Bilbo moves to Erebor and it's like, but what happens to Frodo?, including Frodo's parents, it doesn't come up in the story, very serious dwarven traditions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-28
Updated: 2014-08-28
Packaged: 2018-02-15 03:30:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2214156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An everybody lives AU where Thorin and Thranduil have to get married to seal an alliance between the elves and the dwarves. Bilbo objects.</p><p> I got bored forty five minutes into the movie and forgot I was watching it, but I did read the book once fifteen years ago, so it should be fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I could be lemons (I could be tigers)

**Author's Note:**

> In case you missed the 'Deliberate Badfic' tag, this is for Bad Bang. Finally, a fest for authors who can't write and artists who can't art. 
> 
> Title from The Random Song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZkzZIUiHzs), because I googled 'random song lyrics'.

_“All the girls in the world were divided into two classes: one class included all the girls in the world except her, and they had all the usual human feelings and were very ordinary girls; while the other class -herself alone- had no weaknesses and was superior to all humanity.”_

_\- Middlemarch, George Elliot_

 

 

Bilbo raced through the halls of Erebor, clutching the plate of scones he had been buttering when he heard the news to his chest.

He had to duck and weave carefully through the crowds of dwarves. Hobbits were on average a full foot shorter than dwarfs, and living amongst such giants meant constant vigilance to avoid being squished underfoot. Bilbo shuddered at the thought of his tiny body being bowled over, pressed beneath the weight of a hard body, heaving muscles forged like steel, shoulders as broad as a… he’d lost his train of thought. He skidded to a stop.

Right. He took off again, and jogged into the throne room to find Thorin, Gandalf, the Company and Thranduil’s envoy deep in negotiations.

“Thorin Oakenshield, what’s this about you getting married?” he bellowed.

Thorin looked up, and Bilbo lost his breath as he met the king’s eyes, fathomless icy blue like a Citrus Kick Slurpee. “Yes,” Thorin said, looking pained. “Our people have seen far too much war. The elf king has offered us an alliance, and the best way to seal our new friendship is with a marriage.”

“But why you? Couldn’t you seal the alliance by having Kili marry Tauriel?”

“Who?” Gandalf asked. His phoenix, Fawkes, chirped from his perch on the back of Gandalf’s chair.

“Tauriel? The lady elf?” Bilbo looked to Kili for help, but the prince merely shrugged.

“Never heard of her,” one of the dwarfves, whose name probably starts with B [look this up on Wikipedia during editing], said.

“I’m sorry Bilbo,” Gandalf said, scratching under Fawkes’ chin. “We can’t have a wedding if we’re not even sure the bride exists.”

“Basic tenet of dwarfish law, that,” Bdwarf agreed.

“Now that that’s settled,” Gandalf said, “would anyone like a lemon drop?”

\---

Legolas was vexed. Being named the _loth gwen_ was a grand honour that he took very seriously. Twice now he had journeyed to the fields outside of Dale to gather flowers to practice with. But by the time he climbed the Lonely Mountain, reentered the grand gates and descended the thousands of steps to the throne room, the blooms had already wilted. Flowers should flutter gloriously when thrown, like his hair on a windy day. Instead the petals flopped lifelessly, like his hair when it was overdue for washing. Limp flowers, like limp hair, would be a stain on the honour of his father and his people.

 

He sought the counsel of his counterpart, the ring bearer.

 

Gimli shook his rattle thoughtfully as he considered the problem. "You could throw diamonds," he suggested. "They won't wilt. And diamonds are basically the flowers of stones."

 

"Where would I even get diamonds?" Legolas asked.

 

"We could try Bilbo's room," Gimli said, putting the rattle aside. "Thorin keeps giving him handfuls. I don't think Bilbo knows what to do with them, so he just sticks them in a box."

 

Minutes later they were in the hobbit's room. They had to break the lock to get inside, but Legolas was unconcerned. It was in service of the sacred duty of the _loth gwen_.

 

Legolas filled his basket from the chest Bilbo kept beside the door, while Gimli stood by the bed to keep watch. After a moment he noticed a simple gold ring lying amongst a pile of handkerchiefs on the bedside table. It seemed to sing out to him, whispering without words that it should be his. He put his hand over it and stuck it in the front pocket of his onesie. He was in charge of the rings. Thorin had said so. Surely that meant he was in charge of this ring too.

 

The ring agreed with him.

 

...

 

Everyone applauded politely as the ceremonial demonstration of axe throwing concluded. Everyone except the dwarf who had caught the brunt of Thranduil's attempt. He was a little busy holding his fingers in place and staunching the bleeding.

 

The dwarfs loudly agreed that a throw going wide and grievously injuring an innocent bystander was a lucky omen. "It's not a real wedding until somebody loses a couple of fingers," one opined.

 

"My grandmother took a fellow's nose clean off during her wedding. And that marriage lasted a hundred and sixty three years. Eighteen grandchildren," another agreed.

 

The ceremonial braiding together of the couple's beards had caused a little concern during the planning stage, due to Thranduil's slight complete lack of any beard at all, and flat refusal to wear the chin-wig Groin had kindly offered to loan him. Bard the Bowman nearly caused an international incident by suggesting that Thorin and Thranduil simply braid their hair together instead. Braid their hair together. Right there in public. When there would be children present. Some of the dwarfs were still muttering under their breath about the scandal of even suggesting such a thing.

 

It was Bilbo who came through with the day saving suggestion. "I always imagined that if a person without a beard happened to marry a dwarf-" he paused and swallowed uncomfortably "not that I imagined it, that is to say. I don't spend my spare time planning a hobbit-dwarf wedding in my head. I don't have a scrapbook of ideas hidden under my pillow or anything. I'm just saying that if I did try to imagine that, sometimes, I always imagined that the beard braiding could be symbolic."

 

"You mean, we could just pretend?" Thorin said.

 

"Not pretend. Symbolic." Bilbo waved his hand under his bare chin, like he was twirling an invisible beard in his fingers.

 

And so the gathered guests of Thranduil and Thorin watched as the two grooms pressed their foreheads together while the minister symbolically braided Thorin's beard with Thranduil's invisible beard. All present agreed that it was a beautiful moment, even if the ceremony did have to be called to a brief halt while attendants fetched a stack of chests for Thorin to stand on to resolve the height issue.

 

Legolas wiped a tear away, and then showered them with a handful of diamonds.

 

And so the moment of the ceremony that all dwarf brides dreamed of arrived. Thorin presented Thranduil with his mother's warhammer, his hands shaking as he handed over the precious family heirloom.

 

"So I just hit the altar with it and it's done?" Thranduil said, holding the hammer slightly away from himself like it had a distasteful smell.

 

"Not just a hit," Bdwarf said with a lecherous chuckle. "Ye have to put yer back into it. It takes a good hard bang to seal a marriage."

 

Thranduil gave a long suffering sigh, then gripped the hammer with two hands and pulled it back over his shoulder.

 

"WAIT!" Bilbo shouted, jumping up from his seat. "I can't do this. I object."

 

Thranduil dropped the hammer, looking over at Bilbo with some interest. Thorin looked relieved.

 

The minister shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "This isn't some simple Man wedding, halfling. You can't just announce you object."

 

"Well, how do you properly object to a dwarf wedding?" Bilbo asked.

 

"Oh, easy. The objector just has to go down into the belly of the bride's mountain and mine a chunk of raw ore from her family seam. Then he sleeps with it beneath his bed for one hundred-"

 

"Bilbo could object by the elven tradition," Thranduil interrupted.

 

"Great," Bilbo said, relieved. "What's the elven tradition?"

 

"Matters of this much importance should be communicated through dance," Thranduil said.

 

"I. Um. Okay. Can someone here teach me the steps that communicate 'I can't let this wedding go ahead because I'm in love with the groom'?"

 

Legolas stepped forward eagerly, but Thranduil held up a hand.

 

"Bilbo." He sighed. "I can't say that I wasn't expecting this to happen. But you and I are not meant to be."

 

"Not you," Bilbo snapped. Thranduil made a hurt sound.

 

"Me?" Thorin said, surprise and joy warring on his face. Then his expression clouded over. "No. I'm sorry. Our people need this alliance."

 

Thranduil sighed again. "For the love of [whatever it is the elven god is called], Thorin. At this point I would sign any agreement you put in front of me in exchange for not having to marry you."

 

Everybody cheered, and Bilbo threw himself into Thorin's arms while Legolas showered them with handfuls of diamonds. Then they lived happily ever after and made out and did sex and everything.

 

\---

 

Meanwhile in the kitchen of Bag-End Lobelia Sackville-Baggins surveyed her new kingdom with a vague sense of disquiet at how easy her conquest had been.

 

\---

 

Later Gimli used the One Ring to conquer Middle Earth, and ruled with Legolas at his side in a crown of flowers, but that's not important right now.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [I could be lemons (I could be tigers) - Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2239245) by [ashka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashka/pseuds/ashka)




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